I can see my cognitive thought has matured and obtained a sense of complexity in the past few years and now i'm starting to wonder if my social skills are starting to suffer from it.  I've spent so many days and nights alone, and even when invited out I tend to stray, and stay in my comfort zone.  Alone.  Weekends with my Jess-man are perfect but we both agree that partnerships shouldn't be the core beam to build life on.  I can't speak my mind aloud anymore, nor do I ever write them down.  My voice has always been frail, but it's nature has been more aggravating than usual lately.  Ive had this feeling to extend my emotions out in another way.  Maybe i'm just craving for something new again...

Its okay though, I always find some sort of outlet.  In reality, full time courses are more strenuous than part time and i'm definitely starting to feel it.  Its the challenge I like, I think.  This past week hasn't been a good one academically, but I know it is the reason that the weeks to come will be greater.  I want to find another job, but maybe its not such a good idea to put school second.  Then again, i'm poor as dirt right now haha.  Then again, again, its not like I really care.  I can be a poor college student.  I just don't want to be a broke graduate student.  (and i'm talking about brokeee)  Maybe i'm not looking hard enough for somewhere that fits my skills but like i've said before, I just want an opportunity.

Ive been fulfilling my new years resolution to be more healthy and man let me tell you does it feel good.  I even started working out and its starting to show too :).  All in all, living is pretty great but there's still room for improvement.  Lets keep striving for change.

I'm so restless.  I'm exhausted yet I don't want to nor can I sleep.  It seems the domino's I've recklessly placed have been set in motion by my hasty and impatient self.  How surprising.  Intensely uncomfortable, I wonder how long this will last.  I wonder how long we can last through it.  Do I feel an ounce of regret this time?  Maybe today I've learned a real lesson.

I keep coming across the fact that there are things in life that I can not control, and it sort of feels good.  I don't think i'm as scared of life as I was a few months ago. 

This has also helped the relationship between me and Jess. Not to say that we're back to normal but i'm standing with the idea that love is work and the effort is worth it.  Plus, I still smile everytime I think of him.  We baked a dark chocolate cake from scratch today btw.  It was rich <3  He also got me this super cooool hat.

Anyway.  In effort to continue my 'diet', i've decided to invest in organic foods.  Everything organic seems to be more expensive but now that I think of it, healthier food is pricy in general.  Only in america do we have dollar menus filled with high cholestrol inducing fats while fucking side salads are no less than 3 bucks.  What the fuck.

Quite frankly, i'm beginning to think that activism is bullshit.  Don't get me wrong, I mean i'm all for revolution but leaving dvds everywhere in hopes to reach someone, as well as sitting outside preaching to people who don't care has no real effect.  I've decided to take the 'buddhist' way towards this and begin internally.  We can't speak revolution if we can't become it.  Agreed?...yeah. 

I feel like slam is coming back to me.  Yay :)

I also feel like my actions are negative although I believe my thoughts are positive.  I feel like a fucking walking contradiction.  Like, i've lost personality.  Its wierd because I know that no matter what I feel, I am still me.  Like I know i'm not pretending to be something or someone i'm not.  I just think i'm changing?

I got a new job and I love the benefits so far.  Its mindless work really, and gives me a good amount of time for school, now if only I concentrated more...  I'm still losing faith in so called education system.  I still feel like there's more to this damned life then eating shit that the government is feeding us.

So how are ya?

There is no doubt that I have a passion for the english language.  I've developed a surprisingly lasting infatuation with it and in turn, i'm always trying to improve my grammar and articulation (though I must admit I haven't made much progress lately).  Having been exposed to slam and playing with different types of writing I understand how much meaning can be expressed through these simple yet complex things we call words. They carry much power on thier own and when strategically placed hold enough to change worlds.  Even the choice of neglecting speech can effect the mood of any situation.  They are most certainly worthy of my adoration.  For a while now i've seen this as one of my only truths. I've even decided to pursue a career in education for it but, lately I've been feeling a sense of irony in my beliefs.

There is no doubt that a relationship requires a sufficient amount of communication, the easiest way usually by spoken word.  Now as an adolescent, I fell in love with the words I love you.  Foolish as it may have been, I used them quite casually and frequently.  Not to say I never meant them, but the fact was I expressed my concern for anyone I spoke to in this manner.  It was a comfortable way for me to say hey, I care for you no matter what.  As an adolescent its easy to want to believe and be fooled by abstract terms such as that..I find the irony in more present times.

Our communication also continues through our actions.  Depending on who you are, this may be a good thing and/or a bad thing.  Its one of the easiest ways you can tell if someone is lying or hiding something from ya.  Nowadays, I find that my interpretation of this is more fine tuned than what it is for words, therefore its hard for me to believe anything i'm told.  (I'm speaking in terms of relationships by the way).  When I express my feelings through speech, I try to express as much emotion as I can get my point accross yet most of the time it does not work.  The same goes for my significant other.  No matter what we speak to eachother its hard, just because of the fact that words are merely words, and  nothing else.  That's my irony.

No matter how much I want to believe that words can express anyone's true feelings, I understand that this is only true when a person wants thier feelings to be expressed.  Its easy to try and fake through a relationship; so many of us already do but as much as I want to sometimes, I can not.  I began this blog feeling a bit follish for accepting my disbelief in things i'm told but I've come to the conclusion that i'd rather take the safe way through things.

I have my only two finals this morning.  My averages are high enough so that even if I fail the exams, i'll pass the course.  The only time i've [attempted] to study was yesterday and today.  I haven't looked over much of anything yet i'm not worried-- at all.  May it be because of my averages or simple laziness; I don't know.  I feel the need to take responsibility in my recklessness but at the same time I feel the need to address something other than mundane acts of procrastination and the effects of it.

Lately i've been feeling like something's missing.

Once again I feel misplaced in the world, although in reality i've accomplised a goal I set a few years ago.  I've declared independance from anyone but myself and frankly, it feels good.  "I'm now satisfired," I thought to myself the other day.  Because even though now i'm poorer and have nothing but my dignity to show from it, I now know that if it was ever needed, I could depend on no one but myself to bring me up from the ground.  I have my independence.

But still I question my intentions of doing so.  Did I force myself into this world just to see if it was possible or was there some greater purpose in the action?  I attend school unwillingly and show no interest of excelling in what I easily could.  I understand the benefits from getting through with it and getting a "degree".  I understand how much "more" I could have by just having that stupid piece of paper.  I just don't care.

I don't care about school?  What the..  I go from wanting to attend an Ivy league for the best to this?  Its just that i'm starting to understand that I have a greater purpose than to attend school to become another wageslave who works for the man.  What alternative is there?  I feel as if I've come from a somewhat sheltered home for I never knew any other path than college and education.  Now that understanding is established, am I simply bieng spoiled or are my gut feelings telling the truth?  Why is it that I can understand the simple logic of getting ahead yet not care?  Dare I question those who all my life have told me what to do with my life?  My life.  My logic.  Have I lost touch?